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SPECIAL SHAVE THE WHALES - AND GIVE THE POLAR BEARS A HAIRCUT - EDITION
I really like Kyle
Johansen. At least this week. Johansen, the Republican representative from
Ketchikan, introduced a resolution Monday that was both funny and pointed. We see pointed ones all the time. But funny ones are thin on the ground. Very thin.
Now, resolutions don't pack much punch. One legislator - I forget who - described resolutions as "letters to ourselves." Since I've been in the Leg, we've sent many, many, many resolutions
to the President and Congress, telling them to stop doing X or to send us a bunch of money for Y. So far as I can tell, the President and Congress have been impervious to our stern but well considered words about X. Unfortunately, they seem to be sending less
and less money for Y, too.
But that's another story. This one is about House Joint Resolution
31. (A digression: A resolution that only has to pass the House is a House Resolution. A resolution that has to pass both the House and Senate is an HJR. That's it for this week's civics lesson. Study hard. There will be a test later.) HJR 31 tells the
feds that - the heck with it, here is the title:
"Urging the President of the United States and the United States Congress to acquire the area commonly known as Central Park on Manhattan in
New York City on behalf of the federal government; urging the United States Congress to declare Central Park to be a wilderness area and to prohibit any further improvement or development of Central Park unless authorized by an Act of Congress."
What follows is a slew of WHEREASes that catalogue the destruction wreaked by Europeans when they showed up on the pristine shores of Manhattan Island in the 17th century. My favorite is: "WHEREAS
resident reptiles previously included the
loggerhead sea turtle,
brown snake,
timber rattlesnake,
eastern mud turtle,
diamondback terrapin, and
redbelly snake."
I mean, who wouldn't mourn the passage of the eastern mud turtle? Clearly, our nation's leaders have to get on the stick and prevent the further degradation of the New York environment. I mean,
what's the next part of the New York City environment to disappear? The Coney Island
hot dog vendor? The
Three-Card Monte shill? The Times Square hooker? All I know is that once these vital parts of the New York habitat are wiped out, there's no way to bring them back.
So as a way to help Central Park survive - and to support the attempt to bring humor to the largely humorless environment where I work - I have signed up as a co-sponsor of HJR 31.
Here's a link to the
entire resolution. Read it. If you agree with our aims, repeat after me:
Save the red bat! Save the belted kingfisher! Save the art of satire!
Best wishes,
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